Fatherhood and Faith

I'm really having a rough go with my son right now. He's two and a half, and he's at the point where Dada just isn't his favorite person in the world. It's not that he doesn't like me -- on the contrary, when it's just me and him hanging out, we have a great time. It's just that if any of the people he likes more than me is nearby (and that list seems to be growing by the day), or if he gets overly engrossed in whatever it is he's doing at the moment, he pretty much forgets I'm around.

I'm not gonna lie... it's pretty painful. I want nothing more than for him to know how much I love him and how much he means to me, and how much I love spending time with him. He has an infectious laugh, and I can draw it out in ways that nobody else can -- I love to make him laugh. But most of the time, he just ignores me, or tells me he doesn't want me to be there because he's holding his Mama, or tells me that I can't have the "night-night hug" that I desperately want.

Sometimes, I end up having to take something away from him because it's not safe or good for him, and he gets mad, pouts, and runs to his Mama to make him feel better.

In the car on the way home tonight, I was struck by how much my son's relationship with me mirrors the hot/cold nature of my faith relationship with God. Sometimes, God is the most important thing to me -- I want to please him, I want to bask in his love, and I want to spend time learning and growing in my relationship with him.

Other times, I am way more interested in other people (or more accurately, other things). Sometimes (most of the time), the thing I'm most interested in is myself. I see God there, waving at me, talking to me, telling me how much he loves me and wants to spend time with me . . . but I'm too busy being entertained, or giving in to temptation to treat people poorly, or to disrespect them.

And I have a vicious cycle of "God has told me something I don't want to hear, so I'm going to run further away to the very things that God doesn't want me to do to try and make myself feel better," only to end up even more empty later on. (That part of the comparison loses its validity when my son runs to my wife to make him feel better, but, it's the best I've got, so roll with it.)

I can't imagine how much worse the actual rejection I throw at God feels than the fake "rejection" my son sends my way. He's not rejecting me for empty things that will leave with a bigger void than when he found them... at least he's going towards things that are pure and good for him. I leave God for fleeting moments of self-indulgence and personal satisfaction or self-importance . . . thinking I can fill the void that only God can.

If nothing else, maybe I can use the hurt and rejection I feel from my son as a reminder of how much I hurt and reject God.