Catching up

Been super busy the last week or so... 3 finals last week, new son born yesterday...

Somehow in all of it, I always remembered to pray to God for deliverance through whatever trial I had facing me... I prayed before exams, hoping I would know what my professors were asking; I prayed before the C-section yesterday, hoping that God would give wisdom to the doctors, and grant my wife and new child safety out of the surgery.

But somehow I always seem to forget to thank God when he grants me the deliverance I so desperately ask for. I really want to get to the point where I go to God for more than my wants, but also for my thanks, my contentment, and my fulfillment.

I've been reading a little J.I. Packer, and he has had some good things to say that have very pertinent to me. I didn't bring the book to the hospital, but I'll try to dig them up to share.

How do you overcome spiritual apathy?

I have always carried a tremendous sense of guilt with my faith... depending on the severity of the sin, knowing I am sitting in the middle of sin is enough to make myself so sick at my stomach that I can't function until I confess. Maybe it's the Southern Baptist upbringing, maybe it's God really trying to work in me, and maybe it's just my own little neurosis. Who knows?

One thing that has never given me that sense of guilt, however, is a lack of time in the word. I mean, sure, I get a twinge of "should I turn off the TV and open my Bible instead" every now and again, but it's never enough to panic me into action. Instead, I have a good week where I read my Bible every day. Then I have a week that's not so good (like, maybe 2 days, not back to back.) Then, I get into a lull like I am now, where it's been months, and I honestly feel like I wouldn't know where to start, and doing anything at all would be doing it just to say I was doing it -- making it a checkmark on my spiritual to-do list.

The fact is, I have never been very disciplined at anything I've ever tried to do -- blogging, school, sports, time in the word . . . nothing at all. That lack of discipline has consistently manifested itself in two ways: first, I never follow through with things that I want to do for an extended period of time; second, I never can quit the things that I don't want to be doing for an extended period of time. It's the only time I can look at my life with any truth and say I mimic a character in the Bible: I feel just like Paul in Romans 7: I do the things I hate, and I don't do the good I want to do.

So, here's the question: how do you overcome apathy? Because that is really where I feel myself stuck. I know I should do things, and I know I should not do other things, but here I am, stuck in neutral, and I really don't know how to move forward.

Killer complacency

It's amazing how easy it is to think that we're "doing fine" in our faith. Since starting this last week, I have "cleaned up" a little bit, and it's amazing how much better I can convince myself that I am doing. I'm still not spending any time in the word, still not praying (except in panic), still not loving others the way that I should.

It really is funny how easily we can allow ourselves to limit our faith to merely "being good" or "not being bad." It's like we tell ourselves "as long as we stop sinning, God will love me more!" In truth, nothing we can do will make God love us any more -- or less for that matter.

I pray today for the desire to pursue God with all I have, and the discipline to keep pressing on when I don't feel like it.

Thinking myself out of sin -- and losing

So, since I started this blog last week, I've been trying to THINK my way towards God. "I can put myself in better positions to do things I know I should do, and not put myself in positions to sin, and that will work out."

How dumb.

A couple weeks ago, I read this post by Jon Acuff over at Stuff Christians Like, and at the time I read it, I thought: "Man, he is dead on. Why do we try to logic our way out of sin?" Fast forward, and here I am doing the same thing.

Another thing that strikes me as... I was going to say funny, but it's clearly not funny, so I'll say sad... is the fact that in the 4 days since I've been severely convicted and had all of this really weighing on me, I've only picked up my Bible once. Here I am knowing that I am struggling through a few days, and I can't even bring myself to turn to Scripture.

I feel like one of the people Screwtape talks about: think about things a lot, but don't ever do anything.

Fatherhood and Faith

I'm really having a rough go with my son right now. He's two and a half, and he's at the point where Dada just isn't his favorite person in the world. It's not that he doesn't like me -- on the contrary, when it's just me and him hanging out, we have a great time. It's just that if any of the people he likes more than me is nearby (and that list seems to be growing by the day), or if he gets overly engrossed in whatever it is he's doing at the moment, he pretty much forgets I'm around.

I'm not gonna lie... it's pretty painful. I want nothing more than for him to know how much I love him and how much he means to me, and how much I love spending time with him. He has an infectious laugh, and I can draw it out in ways that nobody else can -- I love to make him laugh. But most of the time, he just ignores me, or tells me he doesn't want me to be there because he's holding his Mama, or tells me that I can't have the "night-night hug" that I desperately want.

Sometimes, I end up having to take something away from him because it's not safe or good for him, and he gets mad, pouts, and runs to his Mama to make him feel better.

In the car on the way home tonight, I was struck by how much my son's relationship with me mirrors the hot/cold nature of my faith relationship with God. Sometimes, God is the most important thing to me -- I want to please him, I want to bask in his love, and I want to spend time learning and growing in my relationship with him.

Other times, I am way more interested in other people (or more accurately, other things). Sometimes (most of the time), the thing I'm most interested in is myself. I see God there, waving at me, talking to me, telling me how much he loves me and wants to spend time with me . . . but I'm too busy being entertained, or giving in to temptation to treat people poorly, or to disrespect them.

And I have a vicious cycle of "God has told me something I don't want to hear, so I'm going to run further away to the very things that God doesn't want me to do to try and make myself feel better," only to end up even more empty later on. (That part of the comparison loses its validity when my son runs to my wife to make him feel better, but, it's the best I've got, so roll with it.)

I can't imagine how much worse the actual rejection I throw at God feels than the fake "rejection" my son sends my way. He's not rejecting me for empty things that will leave with a bigger void than when he found them... at least he's going towards things that are pure and good for him. I leave God for fleeting moments of self-indulgence and personal satisfaction or self-importance . . . thinking I can fill the void that only God can.

If nothing else, maybe I can use the hurt and rejection I feel from my son as a reminder of how much I hurt and reject God.