Day 2

Today's reading is Matthew 2 and Micah 5. Matthew 2 is about how God protected Jesus from Herod by leading Joseph first to Egypt, and then to Nazareth to evade Herod -- and to fulfill two different prophecies about the Messiah.

Micah 5 is one of those prophecies, with referrence to the Messiah coming from Bethlehem. It also talks about how God will lead his people, and provide a faithful remnant of Jacob to lead the people.

The "extra reading" was from Richard Halverson, and it talked about how God doesn't just point us to where he wants us to go... instead he leads us. We just simply need to have the faith to follow him where he leads us.

I pray for a new identity today. I am struggling with letting my sin be my label, and not recognizing who I truly am in Christ.

Day one of a new journey

I finally reached out for some help this weekend. I can't do this alone, so I've finally asked for some accountability from a good friend who has shared this struggle. He offered lots of encouragement and challenges, one of which is to make sure I'm spending time in the Word every day.

So yet again, I find myself trying a new "spending time with God" plan. I am making myself take 15 minutes in the morning to read and to pray.

Today I read Matthew 1 and Isaiah 7, which is the lineage and birth of Jesus and a corresponding passage of fulfilled prophecy. I always struggle with paying attention when reading long lists of anything in the Bible, but at least today I had Andre Peterson's "Matthew's Begats" in my head to help.

The second part of the chapter was on the birth of Jesus, and the events leading up. I always think it's interesting how nonchalant the Bible makes it seem when someone is visited by an angel. As easily startled as I am, I would be terrified, but the Bible just talks about it like it is something that happens every day.

I liked the reference back to Isaiah 7:13-14, talking about how "the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel." In Isaiah 7, God (through Isaiah) tells this to King Ahaz when he is about to be attacked by two other nations. At first I didn't see how that was really relevant, but it dawned on me that this goes to show that Jesus birth and the redemption he brings affects everything -- he is Lord over everything, and there is no part of our lives that won't be touched by him.

The last part of my reading was from Terry Fullam that talked about the importance of the virgin birth in Jesus' maintaining his full deity and his full humanity. I get what he's talking about, but I struggle to wrap my head around big theological issues sometimes.

Prayer for the day:
God, please keep me focused on you. Help me flee temptation, and give me the discipline I need to follow you daily. Help me to realize that your love for me does not depend on how "good" I am.

I hate failing

Here I am again. The cycle has started over.

Jesus, give me the strength to trust in you.

Catching up

Been super busy the last week or so... 3 finals last week, new son born yesterday...

Somehow in all of it, I always remembered to pray to God for deliverance through whatever trial I had facing me... I prayed before exams, hoping I would know what my professors were asking; I prayed before the C-section yesterday, hoping that God would give wisdom to the doctors, and grant my wife and new child safety out of the surgery.

But somehow I always seem to forget to thank God when he grants me the deliverance I so desperately ask for. I really want to get to the point where I go to God for more than my wants, but also for my thanks, my contentment, and my fulfillment.

I've been reading a little J.I. Packer, and he has had some good things to say that have very pertinent to me. I didn't bring the book to the hospital, but I'll try to dig them up to share.

How do you overcome spiritual apathy?

I have always carried a tremendous sense of guilt with my faith... depending on the severity of the sin, knowing I am sitting in the middle of sin is enough to make myself so sick at my stomach that I can't function until I confess. Maybe it's the Southern Baptist upbringing, maybe it's God really trying to work in me, and maybe it's just my own little neurosis. Who knows?

One thing that has never given me that sense of guilt, however, is a lack of time in the word. I mean, sure, I get a twinge of "should I turn off the TV and open my Bible instead" every now and again, but it's never enough to panic me into action. Instead, I have a good week where I read my Bible every day. Then I have a week that's not so good (like, maybe 2 days, not back to back.) Then, I get into a lull like I am now, where it's been months, and I honestly feel like I wouldn't know where to start, and doing anything at all would be doing it just to say I was doing it -- making it a checkmark on my spiritual to-do list.

The fact is, I have never been very disciplined at anything I've ever tried to do -- blogging, school, sports, time in the word . . . nothing at all. That lack of discipline has consistently manifested itself in two ways: first, I never follow through with things that I want to do for an extended period of time; second, I never can quit the things that I don't want to be doing for an extended period of time. It's the only time I can look at my life with any truth and say I mimic a character in the Bible: I feel just like Paul in Romans 7: I do the things I hate, and I don't do the good I want to do.

So, here's the question: how do you overcome apathy? Because that is really where I feel myself stuck. I know I should do things, and I know I should not do other things, but here I am, stuck in neutral, and I really don't know how to move forward.

Killer complacency

It's amazing how easy it is to think that we're "doing fine" in our faith. Since starting this last week, I have "cleaned up" a little bit, and it's amazing how much better I can convince myself that I am doing. I'm still not spending any time in the word, still not praying (except in panic), still not loving others the way that I should.

It really is funny how easily we can allow ourselves to limit our faith to merely "being good" or "not being bad." It's like we tell ourselves "as long as we stop sinning, God will love me more!" In truth, nothing we can do will make God love us any more -- or less for that matter.

I pray today for the desire to pursue God with all I have, and the discipline to keep pressing on when I don't feel like it.

Thinking myself out of sin -- and losing

So, since I started this blog last week, I've been trying to THINK my way towards God. "I can put myself in better positions to do things I know I should do, and not put myself in positions to sin, and that will work out."

How dumb.

A couple weeks ago, I read this post by Jon Acuff over at Stuff Christians Like, and at the time I read it, I thought: "Man, he is dead on. Why do we try to logic our way out of sin?" Fast forward, and here I am doing the same thing.

Another thing that strikes me as... I was going to say funny, but it's clearly not funny, so I'll say sad... is the fact that in the 4 days since I've been severely convicted and had all of this really weighing on me, I've only picked up my Bible once. Here I am knowing that I am struggling through a few days, and I can't even bring myself to turn to Scripture.

I feel like one of the people Screwtape talks about: think about things a lot, but don't ever do anything.